1. When going to shake hands with a guy and not knowing which handshake to expect between the business handshake, the social “homeboy” handshake, or the even more “urbane” fist bump. Then there’s that awkward couple of seconds where he and I do this combo thumb wrestling/Rock, Paper, Scissors hand dance that might very well be a grave insult in some other cultures. And the only thing more awkward than unintentionally palming another man’s fist is having your own fist palmed by another man! It’s creepily “catcher/pitcher”…

2. That same awkwardness not knowing where exactly I’m supposed to kiss a girl—who I’m not dating—on the face. Corner of the mouth? High cheek? Do I still go for her right side even though she’s on my left? Most times I wind up with either my nose in her ear or being headbutted!

3. On the sidewalk, approaching people walking their dogs on a long leash, and not knowing if they’re going to pull the dog back, or if I’m going to have to now walk halfway across the sidewalk and around the walker, leash and dog! Makes me want to kick the leash and slingshot the dog into the side of a building like Wiley Coyote trying to catch Road Runner! I do love it though when the dog gets wrapped around some scaffolding and its owner has to undo a Houdini amount of loops and knots while trying to hold onto their groceries and keep their cell phone between their ear and shoulder…!

4. Needing to have to untie my shoes before I put them on because I was too drunk or lazy to do so the night before, then pulling the wrong shoelace and winding up with that Knot from Hell that I’d need Lilliputian construction workers to undo!

5. Watching a TV show and, when one of the character’s cell phone rings, I inanely check to see if it’s my phone ringing. Especially when I know that the TV cell phone’s ringtone is in no way similar to any of mine.
6. That our science has yet to develop a better household vessel for dispensing toothpaste. Why are we still smooshing and squeezing and rolling and folding and thumbing that damn tube that teasingly always has these little nooks in which to hide the last few reserves of paste or gel?! Wouldn’t a simple syringe-type of tube work better? It works for ice pops and deodorant!

7. When I have to do “Number 2″ right after I’ve just gotten out of the shower!! Then, after I do my business, I have to wipe, like, 5 or 6 times to get the same secure sense of cleanliness as my shower’s loofah just afforded me. And here I was hoping to get at least halfway through the day smelling like “Spring Rain” down there….

8. That Barry White music—and its “conducive to romance” theory—works much more in theory than in practice. At least in 2009. Do you know what does work? The soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire. Go figure….

9. Getting eggs with two yolks in them. This didn’t use to bother me until about a month ago when bought a carton which had a full dozen of them. It made me wonder if these chickens were getting injected with the same steroids that make them grow “fingers” or “nuggets”….

10. Biting into a sandwich and, because of the wet condiment(s), having the filler start to slide out the opposite side of the bread. Then I have to concentratingly eat the sandwich from side to side, or in a circle, to maintain a kind of sandwich integrity equilibrium. It’s like trying to keep an obese, drunk person from falling out of the bed! Inevitably, the meats and cheeses slip right out onto my paper or plate and I now have to either re-assemble the balance of the sandwich, making sure to align the bite marks to match each other—like designing a lock—or just eat the meat and cheese off my paper or plate with my hands and then pretend to enjoy, as much, the last bite or two of the bread and lettuce sandwich i now have to end lunch with. It’s all just as well since the remaining weight in the bottom of my drink cup is not beverage at all, only ice. And I’m not even surprised when I remove the lid from said cup, tilt the cup to my mouth to squeeze out the last few drops of my Hi-C Orange, and instead, get pummeled on the bridge of my nose with an avalanche of ice cubes…!

1. When waiting on line to a cashier, how the person in front of me—usually a girl (not you girls, but some OTHER girl!)—waits until the very last second to begin the procession of bag openings to get to the cash or credit card they need to pay! We’ve been on this line for 4 minutes already and instead of you texting a girlfriend of yours in another cashier line, you could have taken this time to get your money in order. But no, you, you inconsiderate narcissist, wait until you’re at the register to put down your plastic container of salad—and, let’s be honest; it’s really just some frisé with a slice of meatloaf on it and a couple of chicken tenders. But you can go ahead and call it a “salad”!—plop down that large pet carrier you call a bag, and execute this Russian wooden doll-like display of pulling out smaller bags from without smaller bags, then a purse, then a wallet, then flipping through credit cards or trying to remember which ones still has money on it or fishing through wadded up bills and spare change before you can actually pay. And you’ve done this all with one hand since you’re still texting your friend with the other! Meanwhile, my meatloaf and mashed potatoes are getting cold and I believe two people on the line behind me have had their birthdays come and go already…!

2. This is also the same girl (person) in front of me at the subway turnstile rummaging through the same bag for her MetroCard while the train is pulling into the station…!

3. That Barry Manilow, who sang and made famous the song “I Write The Songs”, didn’t write that song!

4. At a bar or club, going into the unisex bathroom where obviously the girl before me who just left has pissed all over the toilet seat (very smartly eschewing the option of “sitting” for the more hygienic “squatting” or “hovering”) and me being so concerned about what the girl behind me outside the bathroom is going to think, that I now take the time to clean the piss off the toilet seat with overzealous custodial proficiency!

5. That supposedly high-minded criminals in the land of television fiction have yet to figure out that if they want to perpetuate a heinous crime or terrorist action against the United States, that they should base all facets of their operations in places that 24′s Jack Bauer can NOT travel or get to within 60 minutes. The same holds true for “super” villains who stupidly live in Gotham City or Metropolis. Hey, guys, to the best of my knowledge, there are no superheroes in Atlanta; plenty of rich, powerful people there to rob from, and not one of them can fly or has super-strength or speed!

6. Calling someone’s cell, having it ring only once or twice, go to voicemail. Then being later told by said someone that their phone was off so they’re sorry they missed my phone call! If your phone was off, I would have gone straight to voicemail, without it ringing even once, so I know you intentionally forwarded my call to voicemail! Why lie to me about it, everyone knows that’s how cell phone works! And the only reason why I’m calling is to ask you, “What’s with this Order of Protection with your name on it that I was just served while window shopping at Binoculars ‘R’ Us…?!”

7. Thinking, while walking down the sidewalk, I’m successfully, sneakily checking out pretty ladies—and all their fun, beautiful parts— until I realize that I don’t actually have on my dark sunglasses and being completely obvious about my lechery! …And here comes another Order of Protection…!

7. Being in a group of people singing Happy Birthday to someone who has 3 or more syllables in their name, especially when that makes them have several nicknames, making the “singing in unison” go to crap right when you get to the name: “Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday Dear, um, Allie/Alex/Alexandria/Zandy/Zan-Zan/Dreea/Mommy (?!)…, Happy Birthday to You…!”

8. Having to use shampoo in the shower to wash my body, and not knowing if I feel bad about doing it because I feel I’m somehow cheating my inner hygienist, or because I deep down realize that it doesn’t really make a damn bit of difference! Hey, if you can wash your hands in dishwashing liquid….

9. People on Facebook who list their relationship status as IT’S COMPLICATED. Listen, if your love life isn’t sufficiently explained by SINGLE, IN A RELATIONSHIP, ENGAGED, MARRIED, or IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, then IT’s not complicated, YOU’RE complicated!

10. This ad for the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis with the couple sitting naked in separate claw foot bathtubs at the edge of a cliff!:

Alright, have a seat; where the fuck do I start?! First of all, what’s up with separate tubs?! How’d they get them up there, by truck? So this guy has the energy to lift not one but two tubs onto a truck, drive however long to this secluded cliff, unload the tubs, fill them with the gallons upon gallons of water to fill them both, but can’t seem to get it up for sex? Here’s a suggestion: stop over-stressing yourself! Unless, of course, it was the woman who did the heavy lifting, then even my penis might be scared of her too!

And is that a fuckin’ Snapple of the far end of the side table?! IS IT…?!

Bonus Hatery

Realizing when I’m getting a whole lot of dirty looks while on the bus that, yes, I am that asshole who is singing along to his iPod just a little too loud….

.kac.

1. When I’m coming home and I really have to pee, how exponentially smaller my bladder seems to get the closer I get to my apartment door. Then, how upset I am at myself for not having mastered the art of using my keys to open the front door with one hand while undoing my belt and zipper with the other, especially with bags and briefcase in tow.

2. Washing piss off my apartment keys….

3. Not being able to get the juice or milk carton spout to open properly, folding and “smooshing” it, forcing me to pry the top open with my fingers to then have the milk or juice pour out of the now torn spout and dribble over the side, like my grandfather’s drool when he’s napping.

4. The complete health hypocrisy of Frosted Mini Wheats. That’s like chocolate-covered celery….

5. People on a subway car who insist on standing in front of the door and not moving when I’m trying to get on or off the train. And leaning or tilting your head does not merit an attempt at trying to move out of the way, asshole!

6. Seeing a friend across the street and screaming their name to get their attention only to realize that, after I’ve totally embarrassed my seemingly stalker self to the general public, the friend in question didn’t acknowledge me because they had earphones on.

7. That there isn’t a White Castle within drunk-walking distance of my apartment….

8. Not being to order something off the menu at a non-American cuisine for fear that I’ll pronounce the food item or dish wrong. “Yeah, I’ll start with the crostini with duck con-fight [confit] and follow that up with the bulla-bassy [bouillabaisse], and I need another glass of this pinto giorgio…. Merci, my amigo!”

9. The apprehension I feel when I notice another guy’s fly is open. Is he going to wonder why I was looking?! Do I care what he thinks? Is my insecurity worth his present and future embarassment? Am I really that insecure? And why WAS I looking? …I think it’s time I call one of my ex-girlfriends for a date…!

10. The fraud that, despite being plentifully found in its rice and noodle dishes, eggs are not even remotely an ingredient in Chinese egg rolls (unless you count the egg white wash that is brushed on to make them “shiny”).

Bonus Hatery

That my bottles of Windex, Fantastik and Pine Sol and my canisters of Pledge and Lysol are collecting dust from lack of use. That means that even the things I have to clean things need to be cleaned…!

.kac.

1. That even in this millenium, Hollywood insists on having us believe that everyone who lived during the Roman Empire (27 BC – AD 476), hundreds of years before there was a unified and recognized nation-state of England (964 AD), spoke with aristocratic, British accents. And even those who spoke English then sounded nothing like Gielgud, Brando or Crowe….

2. Forgetting to clear my browser history before company—usually a girl or a member of my family—comes over and eventually wants to use my computer. “Sure, you can check your email!” Then, as I hear their fingers clicking away on the keyboard, remembering what I last looked at before I showered, then having to dive back across the room in what feels like slow motion cinema, “No-o-o-o…!”

3. TMZ on TV. And the fact that I watch it near religiously….

4. The high improbabilty of the following:

First of all, I haven’t had a “classmate” in 22 years. Secondly, how discomfiting is the lack of gender specificity in that kissing proclamation?

5. That, after I’ve developed whatever amount of optimism I could from the above compliment, I not much later get this:

WTF?!?! I can only think of 3 people who hate me, one who I never even dated!! And why is the graphic for hate mail an envelope with a heart in it? Shouldn’t it be, like, a voodoo doll or something?!

6. That no time soon will I be a judge on Iron Chef America….

7. Speaking of food, I hate that I can’t remember the last time I had a Caesar salad that had actual anchovies in/on it. Or any taste of anchovy or even anchovy paste. And that there are young people—in their twenties!—who had no idea that anchovies were ever a main ingredient of Caesar salads.

8. That I too rarely watch channnels like, TLC, or THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL or THE HISTORY CHANNEL, although I keep them in my channel rotation because I know I should watch them. And I also hate how those channels’ call letters taunt me as I pass by them surfing for inane programs like The Soup or—gulp!—TMZ. The final straw being the regret I eventually feel when I get around to watching any of my prerecorded episodes of Jeopardy! “Who are the Cossacks, Alex…?” Damn! See, I should’ve known that….

9. The very busy mouse in my apartment who must be from the planet Krypton, since he seems to be immune to everything I’ve thrown at him! He’s been eating the rat poison for days to no effect. He leaves mouse paw prints in the glue strip, but seems to walk right off of it, like Jesus walking on water. Also, I have these mysterious long distant charges on my land line phone, it seems I’m going through a lot more cigarettes then usual (especially when I’m alseep!), and my iPod seems to be missing….

10. Not knowing how many time I’m supposed to say “God bless you” or “Gesundheit” when a person repeatedly sneezes. “Achoo!” “Gesundheit.” “Thank you…. A-choo!” “…Gesundheit.” “Thanks. (Sniffle)…. Wwwach-koo!!” “Alright, fucko, that’s enough….!”

Bonus Hatery

From my friend, Lauren (who I completely agree with): That with all the urgent and relevant good works, messages, and causes (teen pregnancy, drug/alcohol addiction, physical/emotional healthcare, abuse) that could be informed to the general public with television Public Service Announcements (PSAs), “Be sure to switch your TV signal from analog to digital” should be near the very bottom of that list in terms of importance. I think it would fall somewhere between “Try not to drink orange juice after you’ve brushed your teeth” and “Breathing is good”…!

.kac.

1. Forgetting that I’m “going commando” when zipping up my fly in a rush!

2. Zipping my unprotected “junk” and trying very hard to NOT make any noise or sudden movements while there’s a guy at the urinal next to me!

3. That flourescent orange dust that gets all over my fingers when I’m eating Cheetos™, especially when I’m nowhere near a napkin or paper towel. Then I feel like an idiot walking around my apartment like I’ve got cooties, or like I’m holding a steaming pile of dog poop, or a surgeon just scrubbed for surgery, looking for something to wipe my hands with! And whatever you do, don’t lick your fingers; you’ll wind up with toxic orange all around your mouth and be forced to convince people that you have NOT, indeed, been huffing spray paint out of a paper bag!

4. That more people don’t know that Bing Crosby’s version Of White Christmas—the best-selling and most played song of all time!—was written by Irving Berlin, who was Jewish…. “Irving Berlin was The Mensch Who Wrote Christmas…! Get it? Are you with me, people? No?” TAP, TAP. “Is this thing on…?”

5. Not knowing how to respond when my Bangledeshi cab driver wishes me a Merry Christmas “Thanks, you have a Merry Chri…, um, oh, what do you guys have? Ramadan? Is that now? No? I mean, I have Jewish and Chinese friends and, their things, too, are all over the place! Anyway, you have a good, uh, Saturday, boss…. You celebrate Saturday, right? DUH!—sorry! …You can just let me out here…. How much? Okay, just give me baaack…. Tell you what, keep the whole thing! That’s all you, brother…!”

6. That I think I would still “bone” Charo. I just saw her on the Tonight Show last week. To me, she’s still hot, even though she must be, like, 110 years old. Her wig alone must be 90 years old. She’s a freakin’ GGGILF! Note: If you are too young to know or remember who Charo is, please don’t Google her. It’ll only make you feel MORE sorry for me…!

7. People who misuse the adverb LITERALLY, as in “Dude, I was so high last night I LITERALLY floated home!” “Uh, no you didn’t LITERALLY float home, but your use of the word LITERALLY is LITERALLY the opposite of what the word LITERALLY means…!”

8. That, when it’s 15° outside and I’m waiting for a bus, the only way I can get the bus to arrive, it seems, is for me to light, and take a drag of, the very last cigarette I happen to have on me! Now, the conundrum: Give up the cigarette or give up the bus (and, yes, I know I should give up the cigarette for good)? And, when God’s feeling especially persnickety(?!), I choose to give up the cigarette—one last quick drag, drop it, step on it—then there’s no more room on the bus! So I’m still out in the cold…but, now, looking down on the ground at the 3/4 length cigarette I just stepped on…wondering…if anyone’s looking….

9. Realizing a little more than halfway through my random social conversation with my restaurant’s “fresh-off-the-boat” Mexican busboy that, although he’s nodding in assent, he probably has NO idea what-in-the-International-House-of-FUCK I’m talking about! And I doubt he gives a rat’s asiago either…!

10. Calling a very good female friend at home, hearing the other line pick up and a voice say, “Hello?”, and after I respond with an endearing, “Hey, whaddup, bitch?!”, having the voice on the other line say, “Um, are you looking for my daughter, Helena…?” Turns out Mom was visiting her daughter for the holiday! “Eh, no eh-speak-a da engless…! Sorry, wrong numero…” CLICK….

1. How long I’ve kept some clothing with the hopes that I’ll eventually fit back into them. Then, alleviating my guilt but convincing myself that these old, too snug, button-down shirts can be what my dates wear the morning after they stay over! …I still have a lot of shirts….

2. When I’m hungover and ordering in delivery, pretending to order for more than just myself! Yes, I’ll have the Crispy Garlic Chicken lunch special with pork fried rice, egg roll, and wonton soup. Hold on…”Hey, what are you guys ordering…?” Okay, make that two extra egg rolls for my, um, friends, here, an order of shrimp dumplings for my, let’s say, girlfriend, and my, uh, visiting uncle will take the free cold sesame noodles…. Even worse, the guilt I feel when said food arrives, and while emptying the food bag, accumulating enough plastic silver(?)ware for 3 or 4 people! And why never any plastic knives? Just plastic forks and spoons… WTF?!

3. Not finding something, like Scotch tape, when I’m looking throughout my apartment for it. But then 2 weeks later when I’m looking for a ruler, I find the Scotch tape! Especially when it’s the old roll of tape, not the new roll I bought when I couldn’t fing the old roll…!

4. Finding out that someone I had no inclination of buying a Christmas present for has already bought me a present.

5. Figuring out which present, already dedicated to someone, am I going to have to take back to give to this annoyingly thoughtful person…. Cuz I’m lazy and broke!

6. Women with strollers who believe they “own the road”. And I know many of you, my dear long-time female friends, are moms now so assume that this does not apply to you, please. I can only pretend to understand the daily hardship that is motherhood, but it shouldn’t mean that you can park your strollers in the middle of the sidewalk—sometimes 3 or 4 along—and “Jim Crow” everyone else. Nor does it mean you can park it in the doorway of the corner deli and expect everyone to affect some inconvenient, Twister game-like footing to avoid spilling their coffee on your toddler while trying to get out of the door! And—please!—stop trying to stop oncoming traffic by pushing your stroller into the crosswalk prematurely; you have the right of way, yes, but not the right to stupidly play Russian roulette with your kid’s life!

7. That seasonal TV specials like A Charlie Brown Christmas or The Year Without a Santa Claus lose a lot of their charm when they seem to be playing everyday…somewhere…! I used to love the Snoopy dance and accompanying music…USED to…!

8. That TV networks and MP3 players have YET to develop technology that regulate a constant, tolerable volume from broadcast to broadcast or song to song! Let’s see…. Man on the moon? Check. Hybrid vehicles? Check. 4-hour erections? Check. Not spontaneously shredding ear drums, not so much…. But, hey, be sure to check out new episodes of The Closer on TNT this January….

9. Google Earth, especially that Street View feature! Big Brother is here, folks…. His name is Tom…. And he is Peeping…!

10. How incapacitated I feel when my remote control’s batteries die, and I can’t find the fresh ones I just bought! Oh wait, but here are the scissors I was looking for last week…!

Bonus Hatery

That, in my effort to spread cheer and good tidings to as many of my friends as possible, I will inadvertently text MERRY CHRISTMAS on the 25th to many of my Jewish friends. In advance, please forgive me…. Shalom!

.kac.

1. Buying a brand new pair of jeans on, like, a Thursday, wearing them in while wearing them out on the town all weekend, then having someone finally tell me at work on Monday that I still have that long transparent sticker that tells your jeans size on the side of the leg of my jeans! Really?! None of you, my good friends, who were out with me the whole weekend, NONE of you noticed?! Really?!

2. When, during rush hour, people come out of the subway and then STOP right at the top of the stairs to figure out where they’re headed next. Meanwhile, there are about 200 of us stalled on the stairs who are trying to get the fuck somewhere! These are usually the same people who also stop halfway up the stairs to open up their umbrellas when it’s raining. Or they’re the same people who, again, when raining, step onto a bus with their umbrella still outside the bus, then do that violent bat-wing-like “shimmy” with their umbrella, shaking the excess water they are obviously so afraid of all over me!

3. Being charged $2.50 for a street vendor “hot water” hot dog. Listen, Habib, I grew up here, okay?! I didn’t just get off that double decker bus across the street! Don’t make me haggle for my quick but satisfying lunch! I think native New Yorkers should carry a card the guarantees that we don’t pay more than 1988 prices for anything!

4. Having a random 20 cents balance on my MetroCard. WTF…!!

5. Being the biggest guy in an office elevator when someone ELSE breaks wind, because, you know, everyone just assumes it was the big guy…! And it always happens when it’s lunchtime and I’m carrying, like, a big bag from Wendy’s. I have this theory that’s it’s the skinny, petite girl in the corner. The little, skinny girl who waits until she’s in the elevator with bigger people, then let’s an SBD escape. Because no one ever suspects the little, skinny girl…. Never…! And then the paranoia sets in, I get nervous—thinking every one suspects me—and, while thinking of my Wendy’s Double with Cheese, my stomach audibly grumbles. Out of embarrassment I look up and in the reflection of the elevator’s mirrored ceiling I see a little, skinny girl, with a salad in one hand and a bottled water in the other…. Smirking..!

6. The inflexible math in movie theater architecture that dictates there will always be more arms than available arm rests.

7. That in these trying financial times, some douchebag is still going to not only buy his significant other a brand new Audi, but will actually pay extra to have another douchebag wrap it with that annoyingly supersized red bow!

8. People who claim to want to try more exotic foods and cuisine but, no matter where I take them, order, if they can, the caesar salad and roasted half chicken, or whatever the plainest, most pedestrian item is on the menu. I didn’t bring you to Peter Luger’s for you to order the fish special. I’m sure it’s quite good, but that’s like me buying you a $100 gift card to Victoria’s Secret and you coming back with two pink shopping bags full of nothing but socks…!

9. When my barber says, “Oops!!” Especially when he tries to be sly by saying it in another language (Greek, Italian). No matter what he says, I can still tell something’s wrong because all the other barbers suddenly stop what they’re doing to stare at the back of my head, they, slowly, and without further expression, go back to whatever they were previously doing….

10. That smug Aryan Nation asshole from the Dyson vacuum cleaner commercials! Yeah, so you took an American invention that’s been around for 100 years and made it better, so what?! It doesn’t make you a genuis! The Japanese have been doing the same thing with American products for 25 years, and at least they’ve figured out how to get us to BUY their shit! So screw you, Adolph Edison; I’ve got your pivoting ball riiiiiight here! That’s right, Colonel Klink, you heard me! I bet your momma never loses suction either! …Oooh, SNAP!! USA! USA…!

1. The little squirt of water that comes out of a mustard squeeze bottle before any actual mustard does. There are few things more disheartening than, while putting together the perfect sandwich, having your condiment “piss” all over it, making the bread soggier and my day suck-ier!.

2. Tourists who keep their overstuffed knapsacks fully on their backs when they’re on a crowded subway car, so that every time they turn or pivot, they half knock you off your feet or into people on the other side of you. Hey, Bjorn! Can’t you see through your purple-framed glasses that the rest of us have our bags, briefcases and other crap either hanging off our shoulders to the side or on the floor between our legs?! Language barrier is one thing, sight barrier is another! And while we’re at it, stop pretending you don’t know you’re supposed to tip! You guys have been riding that sammelschiene for over 20 years…!

3. That Manhattan’s tony Upper East Side—much like the rest of NYC, it seems—doesn’t have a decent drive-in, diner or dive. I make a mean shrimp & grits with slab bacon bits, biscuits with sausage/giblet gravy and a 5-meat/5-cheese lasagna. Investors, anyone? =)

4. When, while trying to find a reason to stop talking to someone by pretending to get a vibrate-only phone call on my cell, having my cell phone then ring from an actual incoming call while I have the phone to my ear—and I’m the middle of talking in a now obviously fake conversation!—in front of the person I’m trying to avoid talking to.

5. The PREDICTIVE TEXT feature used with cell phones text messaging service which seems to, when it has a choice of words to complete, chooses the the least viable option, logically, and makes me seem like I’m drunk texting people in the middle of the afternoon! “I gate (have) to he (go) good (home)!”

6. Having a “private area” itch, in a very public place. Even worse, the Monty Python-esque series of walks I attempt in public to discreetly alleviate said itch…!

7. Not being able to ever find that one toenail clipping that didn’t land anywhere near it’s intended destination (i.e., wastebasket). Sometimes I think I can sense it—hear it!—in the wee hours of the morning. Hiding…. Under the bed, behind a curtain or in an old shoe…. Mocking me…!

8. That UNIQUITY is not a word in Scrabble, but VASA(?) is!

9. Knowing people for years and not knowing their names. Also, not knowing what amount of time needs to pass before it would be an insult to ask for the name. Especially when the they know my name and possibly might know I don’t know theirs. They: “Hey, Kerry!” Me: “What’s up, …you?!” And.., when my good friends, whose names I DO know, don’t help me out when I’m trying to introduce them to one of these nice people whose names I don’t remember. You gotta jump right in there, folks! Help a brother out…!

10. Dietary judgments aside, the fact that, at over 42 years old, I have yet to be able to predetermine the proper milk-to-cereal ratio so that I don’t have all that excess milk in the bowl once all the cereal is gone. Most people just drink that fine nectar that is sweetened milk; yours truly puts more cereal in the bowl and does this seesaw thing adding more milk then more cereal until I’ve depleted one or the other. On the plus side, I get more than the recommended daily allowance of vitamin D and niacin (and gas!)…!

Bonus Hatery

That a female friend of mine takes issue with the female doctors on the Fox TV show, HOUSE—claiming she, as a women, finds it offensive that these independent, intelligent, and strong female characters belie these very positive traits by eventually becoming sexually objectified in story lines—but then defends all of those REAL HOUSEWIVES OF… shows on Bravo and THE BAD GIRLS CLUB on Oxygen as “campy, guilty-pleasure fun”! Yes, she’s on Facebook, and, no, I won’t tell you who she is…!

.kac.